bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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