wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
