shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
