I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
