Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i need some magic done to my vagina
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
