no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
