Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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