Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
