Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
