We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize