Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
