If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
