and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We left the knife in your bed.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
