Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The air was thick with penises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Send help, water and tortillas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The uberlube is also flammable
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
