so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just pee around me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
