I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
