so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
