12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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