I wish I only lived at night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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