see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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