Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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