i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
