She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
