awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
