I wanna passion pit in your ass
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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