SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
