There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
