Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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