I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
