My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
