Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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