I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize