you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
