went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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