hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
