2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
