Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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