On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
