Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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