i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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