Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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