i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
