I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
