Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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