you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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