two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
