Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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