I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
