Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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