Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize