im six kinds of drunk right now
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
