I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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