Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
