I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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