Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
