i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
