All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
