I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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