i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
