I cannot find my penis.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
