i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
