The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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