you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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