Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
